I have avoided getting seriously into fantasy football until recent years because of five specific types of people. And yes, I was THAT petty at one point in my life. Now I just bitch about them online for all to see. So let’s get right into it. Here are the five people that you HATE to have in your fantasy football draft lobby, in a very specific order.
Yes, I am specifically calling out a certain family, but the dad is like 75 and his son and grandson never remember me. I coached the little guy’s church basketball team in 2010 for god’s sake. The Taylors are the kind of people who show up to the draft after having weeks, months even, to prepare and still take 5 minutes on EVERY SINGLE PICK. If you haven’t scripted at least your first three rounds, get the fuck out of my fantasy draft. When I tell you they pull out whole ass newspapers as they get on the clock, I’m not exaggerating. Ezzus can tell you exactly what I mean.
The Bitching Absentee
The Bitching Absentee is the guy who never responded to the group text to schedule the draft and never has anything to say about new rules. But he’ll blow up the group chat at 7 saying, “what the fuck guys, you really set the draft for tonight at 9? Don’t you know I work till 9:30?” NO JAMES WE DON’T KNOW THAT. If you have even the slightest preference in the time of your draft, get in the group chat early and text other league members on the side. Start a coalition of people on the low and you’ll get your way. Otherwise, kick rocks scumbag.
Mr. Steal Your Chat
The polar opposite of The Bitching Absentee, Mr. Steal Your Chat is the guy who decides that the league group chat is suddenly his conversational playground. Sure, his memes are funny the first couple times. But suddenly your chat is getting inundated with bullshit about Donald Trump getting pissed on by Russian hookers and you have totally lost control. Somebody needs to either break his thumbs or send him to the end of the draft order.
Listen we all love Peter King. He’s a lovable old man whose commentary on the NFL, no matter how off base at times, we still want around. You, however, are NOT Peter King. The Analyst is constantly critical of everyone’s draft picks but his own. His takes are colder than day old tilapia, but he gives his two cents on every single pick as if he’s God. In the end, all The Analyst is doing is trying to make himself feel better about his crappy picks. He probably won’t even manage his team this season anyways.
I have absolutely nothing against guys who have undying loyalty to their mothers. My mother will always be the single most important woman alive till the day I die. But every online draft has a Mama’s Boy who gets a call in the middle of the draft and just disappears. The man becomes a ghost and auto draft ends up choosing Royce Freeman and Danny Amendola in the 5th and 6th rounds. When he comes back, everyone hears about it. “Commish you really didn’t pause this for me? Come on man, Ma called! What was I supposed to do?” You can start by using this magical feature called speaker phone. Or you could put some players in your auto-draft queue, blockhead.
If you want The Challenge to approve your fantasy draft, take action against these bozos. They are a cancer to your league and probably will cause problems all season long. Kick these fuckers to the curb and invite your favorite sports writers to draft with you instead. Also, for the love of God don’t use Yahoo Fantasy.