The XFL Hit Rock Bottom… But Do You Smell What The Rock is Cookin’?

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson once again proved that without him, Vince McMahon would be nothing. McMahon started the XFL talking a big game. He wanted to create a league that wasn’t just a farm team for the NFL, a league truly of its own. 

With promises of grandeur and showmanship, McMahon lured the American people in like a toxic girlfriend with the looks of an angel but the breath of Shrek after eating his analogical onions. By the time we got close enough to realize it, it was too late. We needed off-season football and the XFL was our only worthwhile source.

When the games started, we quickly remembered why our favorite college players never made it to the big show. They sucked. The quarterback play was awful, the defense was laughable, and even imagining that these guys could hit a field goal was ludicrous. The biggest name in the league was Cardale Jones, and he threw for 7 interceptions in the 5 game season, ending up with a 57.9 passer rating. Tim Tebow had better stats than that.

Then the news we all anticipated came: after investing $200 million, paychecks were delayed and things weren’t looking good just halfway through the season. This league flopped more than James Harden and LeBron combined. It barely made it through half of its inaugural season, and there were teams ACTUALLY looking at bringing Barstool Sports’ very own PFT Commenter on to kick field goals. The league folded, and the sports public gave a communal shrug. We expected this.

No league will be able to compete with the behemoth we know and love as the NFL. It would be idiotic to try to revitalize the XFL as purely a football league with a few rule changes and mic’d up players. That’s been tried, and it failed before it really took off. 

Enter: The Rock.

With decades of entertainment experience under his belt, ranging from some of the most exciting wrestling matches of all time to the over-produced but much loved “Fast and Furious” movies to “Moana,” The Rock is a guy who knows how to work a crowd and push limits. Exactly what his plans are for the XFL is yet to be seen, but literally anything could be better than the shit we watched earlier this year.

Everyone will be making predictions for the new XFL, so I’ll hold off. I do know one thing, though: if The Rock doesn’t call Pat McAfee into the announcer’s booth, this league won’t stand a chance. This league needs to have balls the size of Iowa, and an attitude straight out of Brooklyn. 

By the way, can we please for the love of God bring back the cheerleaders? I can’t watch shitty football without the occasional cheerleader dropping out of the sky from a botched stunt.

BANNER: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at WWE Wrestlemania 29 RAW Apr. 2, 2012 PHOTO CREDIT: ED Webster//Flickr

Syracuse’s preeminent parody politician. There are 44 reasons to love me, and all of them start with Syracuse and end with Orange. I write about the UFC, SU sports, and anything that seems appropriate to bitch about. If you try telling me Baseball is a sport worth watching, I might send the FBI to your place at midnight.

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